In order from “pretty bad” to “yikes, I can’t get that hour and a half of my life back” :
- Piranha 3D
It has a cheesy plot: an enormous swarm of piranhas erupt from the floor of Lake Victoria – just in time for spring break. Overall, the effects are passable, the attempts at humor are worthy of a few eye-rolls, and the quality of the movie is what you would expect from a low-budget American horror film remake. However, this one’s at the top of the list because occasionally, I do enjoy watching bad horror movies so I can poke holes in the plot, and the twist ending of this one made it almost bearable.
- National Lampoon’s European Vacation
I should have expected this movie to be bad before I ever watched it. It is the sequel to one of the greatest Christmas movies of all time, and no aspects of this one can compare. The jokes are crude and sexist, even for 1985, the plot feels overused, and Clark’s overenthusiasm throughout the family’s disaster ridden vacation makes it hard to watch the entire movie without sighing.
- Ghost Rider
Ghost Rider is what happens when a movie should have been scripted and
rated R, but was forced to be made as a PG-13 movie instead. The CGI? Bad. Nicholas Cage’s acting? Bad. The ending? Bad. When Johnny Blaze’s character becomes the Devil’s bounty hunter, he should have become tougher and meaner and more dirty-mouthed and threatening. Spoiler: he really did not. And I am not the only one who dislikes this movie; it has a 26% on Rotten Tomatoes.
- James and the Giant Peach
I will admit, the biggest reason I hated this movie is because I saw it when I was a kid and the claymation scared me to death. But I probably would not watch it again even now, because the story follows a boy who finds an enchanted peach and sails it to NYC with some of his friends. Who happen to be bugs. Some Tim Burton films hit and some miss, and the strangeness and animation style of this one made it a “miss” for me. However, this is probably one of the more “arguable” films on this list.
- What about Bob?
My parents were so excited to rewatch this movie with my sister and me,
because they had not seen it since it’s release in 1991. The silence in our living room as the credits rolled should be enough of an indicator that it was not great. I will admit, I possess a personal hatred of Bill Murray (I don’t know why; he just unsettles me greatly). But even if someone else had played the role of the obsessive-compulsive and neurotic Bob, following his therapist on vacation, the jokes in this movie still would have fallen flat. It was not funny, it was not relatable, and it was not well shot.
- Dinner forSchmucks
This is the most recent “no-thank you” movie I have tried to watch. I say tried, because I only got halfway through. I love Steve Carell and Paul Rudd so I naively assumed that a comedy co-starring the two would be funny. Wrong! It felt forced and jokey, not to mention the obscene amount of sexual jokes that just did not need to be in there. I am all for a well-timed crude joke, but you will not find any of those in this movie. (At least not in the first 50 minutes). Not to mention that the premise is just…dumb. Tim has to find a buffoon to invite to his boss’s dinner party; whoever brings the biggest loser gets rewarded. He finds Barry, a mouse taxidermist, to invite to dinner, but Barry quickly and accidentally sends Tim’s life into a downward spiral.
- Land of the Lost
Another movie I did not finish! I think my family and I got about 20 minutes
into this one before calling it quits. I think the biggest problem this film had was trying to fit too many plot elements and too many jokes into one movie. A group of scientists get sucked into a vortex that transports them to an alternate world with dinosaurs, and they must figure out how to get home. That does not sound so bad, but it stars Will Ferrell and, sticking with the theme, relies heavily on crude jokes that just. Are. Not. Funny.
- Green Lantern
Another superhero movie that got hyped up to the point of madness (Does anyone else remember getting Green Lantern bags at Subway for months on end?) but ultimately fell short. It would be faster for me to name the good parts of this movie than the bad parts: It has Blake Lively in it. That is it. Plot: A poorly CGI’d Green Lantern learns to harness his powers so he can defeat some poorly CGI’d bad guys. This is a very long two hours to sit through, especially if you have seen action movies that truly hit their mark.
- Top Gun
Yes, I know it is a “classic.” It is also very boring and a wee bit sexist. More than half the scenes in this
movie are close ups on Tom Cruise’s face as he steers in an airplane and yells things like “Look out for the missiles on your left!” (Not verbatim, but that is basically it.) The other half of the movie revolves around a half-baked romance that, of course, ends happily. My final, and petty, complaint against Top Gun: the 80s hit “Take My Breath Away” plays four times throughout the movie. That is four times too many.
- Chihuahua: The Movie
I would venture to guess that no one has heard of this one. (For good reason.) It is so unknown that it has no reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. The plot is weird (woman gets turned into a chihuahua via electric shock and has to learn to be a better person), the acting is horrible (watch the trailer if you don’t believe me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgq8obwiEII), and it looks like someone shot it on a Samsung phone camera. The only redeeming factor about this movie is that the dog is very cute and easily the most talented actress in the film.
I would be happy to defend my choices further! Leave a comment or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org to chat or let me know if I missed one of the worst movies of all time.